Cold As You
by WritingRamblingRavenclaw
Summary: She always hated the cold. He's gone, and now it is the only thing keeping her sane. [The shivering feeling of his skin against hers, the last touch that plays in her mind again and again.] Oneshot.


She always hated the cold.

The warmth had been what she lived for- the glowing sensation on her ever-white shoulders, the pulsing sunlight on the hottest of days.

It was like the city- bright and fascinating and _familiar. _She had always thought she needed those things. The first few days in Forks, she thought she would never miss anything more; never feel anything more painful than the longing ache for light.

She had nearly forgotten a time when she was so naïve.

She had nearly forgotten everything but _him._

_---_

_They were all around her as she woke. Their unnatural likenesses were more prominent than ever, as identical looks of relief almost masked the desperate bereavement. _

_She sat up quickly, ignoring the throbbing pain that flooded her body. Physical pain didn't matter. Physical pain would fade and heal, new wounds would cover old. Physical pain could be endured- she was facing something far worse._

_"Where is he?" she demanded, surprised at her harse, raspy voice. Her tone was contrasted sharply with Carlisle's, who replied. His familiar speech was the same velvet eloquence, almost as beautiful as…_

_"Go back to sleep, Bella. It will all be all right." The doctor assured her._

_She knew by their faces that it was a lie. She stood up and ran._

_"This isn't your fault, Bella!" Alice had cried desperately as Bella sprinted towards the door, ignoring the aches that intensified with her every movement._

_"Don't lie, Alice." She said hollowly, opening the door._

_"Bella!" Alice shrieked, her lovely voice piercing. "Don't leave! Don't you dare leave! We need you here!"_

_Bella shook her head, tears blinding her._

_"BELLA!"_

_She had never heard Alice scream before. The sound was almost comforting. Their velvet, perfect voices were too much like his. Those voices were excruciating._

_Alice released a tearless sob as Bella started out of the door._

_The sound of it did her in. She collapsed._

_"Bella?" Alice's voice was gentle again. Bella flinched._

_She turned around to meet her eyes. They were topaz, that beautiful color that she had fell in love with two years before. Everything about her face was painful. The stone-like structure, white and flawless, the purple crescents under the glowing eyes. His eyes._

_She grasped Alice's hand gently, feeling her cold, cold skin. "I'll miss you, Alice." She said quietly._

_Bella stood on shaking legs without releasing Alice's hand. She needed to leave. She would die if_ _she spent one more moment in this place._

_She kissed Alice's cold cheek quickly, and blindly ran._

---

She left Forks that night and she vowed that she would never come back. _He would never come back._

She tried going back to Phoenix. She collapsed on the ground the first time she walked by that dance studio, shining and renovated. The window she had broken was completely intact- she saw a single girl pirouetting through the glass.

_It will be as though I never existed._

She remembered his faraway promise, the one he had broken when he returned to her. He had said that he would never leave again.

He had never been one to keep his promises, she remembered, succumbing to tears.

She needed to get out of that place.

Phoenix was too warm. Phoenix held too many memories.

She went to Maine. Maine was too quiet. She hated silence. Silence meant waking up in a cold sweat, after an hour of barely sleeping, alone with no sound. Nothing but your memories and your nightmares.

Your own screams.

She went to New York. New York was always loud. It was much easier to cling to her sanity in New York. People never looked at her there, didn't even blink as she passed by.

New York couldn't hear her screaming in her sleep.

New York was cold.

Heat was unbearable. The swelter of New York City summers, the feeling of people so close to her- it threatened to tear away whatever sanity she was still clinging to.

Winter was the only time she felt that she might be able to go on, at least for another moment or two. The chill of freezing wind, beating against her cheek; that was comfort.

_The shivering feeling of his skin against hers, the last touch that plays in her mind again and again._

It was never good enough, but it was good enough to become an addiction. She was addicted to the cold as she had once been addicted to him.

She had never heard of such a ridiculous addiction, but it was there.

After her twentieth birthday the nightmares were worse than ever.

---

Tonight, she goes outside. She doesn't bother to check the time. She does bother to strip a layer of clothing, until she is left in only a thin tank top and shorts that are terribly unsafe for a New York City evening.

The air stings as she opened the door, whipping against her shoulders and swaying her long hair. The bumps cover her arms and legs, bristly white reminders of her humanity.

She had never gotten the chance to give that up. She shakes, but not because of the cold.

A scrawny Santa tears off his beard. Staring into his empty collections tin. A pair of lovers passes, whispering nonsenses into each other's ears.

It is Christmas Eve.

The hole grows larger, as she sits and watches the people pass. She turns head, that night, even on a New York City street. No one tries to harm her. Perhaps they can see that she'd been hurt enough already. Perhaps they are too tired to try.

The people becomes blurry, her vision skewed. They are foggier and foggier, until they're simply vague shapes and colors, moving hurriedly along a nearly deserted street.

The cold is becoming worse. Her mind is stable- she's felt colder.

As usual, her average, broken, bitterly human body cannot keep up.

The cold fills her, and she won't be able to fight it off much longer.

She tries to move her legs and discovers that she can't.

She didn't want to move, anyway.

She doesn't want to fight.

She hears his voice, stronger and more clear than anything she's ever heard.

_"Sleep, my Bella…_ he begins to say, repeating the most beautiful words he has ever said to her.

A smile crosses her face.

_Dream happy dreams._

Perhaps tonight she will. Perhaps she will forever.

_You are the only one who has ever touched my heart… it will always be yours._

Always. It still is, she reminds herself quietly. Always.

The end is near.

_Sleep,"_ he says. _"Sleep, my only love."_

She closes her eyes.

* * *

**A/N: I'd really, really like some feedback on this. This is my first Twilight story, so I'm not sure if it totally sucks, so... please review. If you were confused-- Edward is killed while protecting Bella. This happens before she is changed, and before they are married. Once again, PLEASE do not Hit and Run. it is very, very, very rude.**


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